Unbeatable

I have been doing martial arts for a long time.  Through years of intensive study, I have found certain tricks...er...techniques to make you unbeatable.  Granted you sacrifice things like improving or winning but at least you can proudly state that you never lost

1. Apply a sparring filter.  Whenever the opportunity to apply and test your skills presents itself, find an excuse not to wrestle, roll, spar, whatever with anyone who is bigger, younger, more athletic, or experienced.  Choose small, injured, white belts/novices for your partners, until they improve too much.  Be careful not to call attention to yourself by beating them so badly that they complain or get injured.
2. When the pupil searches, the teacher will appear.  If your filter fails, fall back on this strategy: if they have more experience than you, just as you are about to eat a punch too much or get submitted call a pause to the action and seek their guidance.  Ask them what they did, ask them to demonstrate it, ask to try it yourself, i.e. anything to eat up the clock.  If you have more experience than them and they are suddenly doing a little too well, stop them and correct their form.  Explain what they were doing wouldn't work and had they done it another way they would have finished you for sure.  Eat up the clock if you can and be sure to reset in a neutral position.
3. Knowing is half the battle. Prior to your round mention your age (older or younger), conditioning level, preexisting illness or injury to your opponent.  Do it firmly but softly.  If your partner has any human feeling they will lower their expectations and you can blitz them early to obtain an advantageous position.  If they manage to get ahead, cry out and blame the excuse from earlier, i.e. a lack of conditioning, a recent upper respiratory tract infection, or aggravation of a preexisting injury to stop early.
4. Resting is training, too.  This works particularly well if there is an odd number of people training.  Be sure to vanish when ever drilling, rolling, or sparring is to start, this will allow you to skip the first round.  After this round has begun, position yourself strategically in the instructor's blind spot, you will be able to let your team mates tire themselves out.  When the coach finally spots you, you will have an advantage over everyone else.  Be sure to sit out as often as possible, or better yet, find a partner to alternate rounds with one guy who stays out every round.
5. Psy-ops. These are advanced level techniques which take years to develop. They are not for use by the inexperienced:

• Humor: If you are funny guy, crack a joke so hilarious that you partner loses it.  If you are not, start laughing hysterically at something somebody says, pausing the action.
• Chemical warfare: Carefully prepare training gear by using it and never cleaning it, until it starts having a heady aroma of devastating body odor and cat urine.  If you are stinky, nobody wants to get close to you.  If they can't get close to you they can't win.
• Be helpful: True story, one of my training partners actually told his opponent while they were grappling that it was against the rules to knee bar.  His opponent thanked him, let go of the knee bar, and subsequently lost the match on points.
• Bathroom emergency: Without explanation make a sudden bee line for the bathroom.  Hide in the bathroom for several minutes and return with some toilet paper hanging out of your gear.   Attempt to restart with your partner, in a neutral position, of course.