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1.12.2009

A Legend of Goshin Jitsu

This is a story from the annals of my club, taken verbatim:

Jennifer and I showed up at the Wild West at about 10 pm, imagine a white trash bar with a big boxing ring in the center, smells like smoke, puke and bad attitude. What you just imagined, this place was a whole lot worse.

At 10:10 the first fight began -- two frat boys attempted to mate in a submission wrestling match, pretty much any other night at the frat house. I see this, I think "Tony is going to clean up!" This fight ends by submission -- sorta.

The next match is a boxing match, a local and a guy in Muay Thai shorts charge each other and begin to exchange bombs at close range. Pretty much a Toughman Contest without the technical skill. Twenty or thirty furious blows, redneck folds like an beach chair and MT-Boy does spinning kicks out the ring. OK, maybe Tony isn't going to clean up.

The third match is our boy the Polish Kilbasa, he looks cool and collected. Then they bring in this animal, with dyed blond hair -- looks like Tito Ortiz's, ugly inbred cousin. The fight starts with the man ape running across the ring, trying to destroy Tony in a flurry of blows. They go down into Tony's guard and proceed to striking. Hooks inside -- closed guard -- back again, it is furious. The four or five NHB "experts" (myself included) that followed Tony to the ring are yelling contradictory advice. I remember screaming "Hug him", because that is what we did in vale tudo class. The mutant stands up and tries to stomp on Tony's face and grab some sort of submission on the ankle, Tony rides him up to half mounted position and then gets thrust down to the mat. A few more blows and the freak rears back his coconut like head and slams it right above Tony's left orbital socket. A bright fountain of blood leaps from the wound. The "corner crew" yells and curses the other fighter. I'm so shocked that I just shake my head. We all stand around for a second, until someone throws Tony a towel. I figure I better look at his head because for a second I could swear I hear Tony saying, "I'm OK, I can keep going". So I I jump up on the ring apron and take a look. I see a 1" long 1/4" crevasse in Tony's flesh right above the left eye. I can see torn layers of flesh and lots of blood pumping out. Some jack ass bouncer yells at me to get of the apron, and in my most manly mumble I blow him off. I tell Tony he's done, he agrees. Tony has just WON his first NHB match, he is a mess of blood and bruises and a sickly grin. You should see the other guy, not a scratch on him.

I tell Tony to hold the rag tight to his head and he gets down the stairs from the ring. Between his tearful girlfriend Lise and our dipshit friends by the ring we manage to transport him to our table. People start bringing ice wrapped in towels. I sit Tony down, and inspect the damage again while the official ring EMT comes over, another drunk dipshit. I say stitches he says tissue glue and butterflys (and I was right). We put the ice on and get Tony prepped for travel. He's obviously not concussed as he stands on one foot balancing the ice bag on his face and put's his shoes on. I blow off a good intentioned Yars (I'm sorry) as we head for the door and hospital. Tony says "I should have listened to you Mike." We go to BroMenn medical center after getting a little lost and meeting Apu from the Simpsons on the way. At BroMenn we get Tony checked in and make sure Lise can go with him.

Jennifer and I hang out in the ER waiting room. I make several new friends. They are all insane. Jennifer is my friend, I am glad she came along. At 1:30 am Jennifer and I are pacing the halls and Tony is released. We get on the highway.
On our way, we see a car stopped on the shoulder. I switch lanes to be the furthest I can away from him. All of sudden there is a loud popping crunch noise and I ask "What was that?" The next second we hit a the carcass of a big buck (male dear) at about 80 miles an hour. The truck leaps in the air and jerks right on impact. I pull in the opposite direction and the truck swerves hard into it's original lane. If the deer wasn't dead before we hit, it certainly was now. If my truck wasn't the beast it is you wouldn't be getting this e-mail.

We return to Champaign and get Tony some ice. His dorm is totally evacuated and there are fire trucks parked outside. We drop him off at the Orange.

The End

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